No question

Unfortunately Luke has become less than a stellar sleeper lately. It coincides with him rolling over and we can't successfully swaddle him anymore. :( And for some reason the bigger boys are coming in our room more and kind of taking over our bed. I am tempted to lock our bedroom door but Ben sleep walks and I am worried what he will do in the middle of the night. I can't lock them in their room because sometimes they need to go potty in the middle of the night.

It was amazing to me how much getting better sleep improved my mood and outlook on life. And it's amazing how quickly I can feel run down and exhausted after getting only a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time.

Luke isn't sleeping so well at night and when it comes to naps, Ben's in school now so there is no longer sleeping in for me, and Jack is driving me crazy because his world has been turned upside down with Ben being gone most of the time. Today I was feeding Luke. I was already tired, but feeding Luke makes me extra sleepy. Jack, Luke, and I were in my room and I started falling asleep. I ended up sleeping for about five minutes in increments of ten seconds. In between sleeping Jack was yelling at me to wake up and get him a drink of water, and I was telling him that there was one on the counter in the kitchen. I was certain because I had put it there ten minutes before. Jack wouldn't go get it because he was afraid to go alone. Our kitchen is about 15 feet from our bedroom. Jack freaks out about being alone. He was so use to always having Ben around, he just doesn't like being alone. He has become less fond of Luke because he is jealous of the attention I give Luke.

Always in my mind I am thinking, "someday I will really miss this time in my life. Before I know it my kids will be moving out of the house". I know it will seem that time just went too fast. I know this because my oldest is already in first grade and my baby is growing way too fast. I will probably forget a lot of the crazy hard times and wish I enjoyed my children more at every stage of their lives. There is no question that this is hard and it isn't going to get easier; I don't want to forget what I survived. There Is no question that I am trying to enjoy my children. There is no question that I LOVE THEM!!!

I am alive, sort of

I have been MIA on my blog for over four weeks now. Have you missed me? Well, I've missed me.

Every morning I feel like I hit the ground running and I don't stop until my head hits the pillow. I have been falling asleep really fast almost every night lately because I am just simply exhausted. Besides being woken up by my allergies a couple of times a night (yes allergies not by my awesome baby who sleeps amazingly well), I am generally getting eight to nine hours of sleep. But I am still so tired every morning.

I feel like I am constantly fulfilling orders barked out from my children, "I am hungry, I need a drink of water, you forgot to give me a spoon, I want a piece of candy, can i paint, get me some paper, you gave me the wrong color cup, i want tap water not cold water, build me a tent, wipe my bum, I need a bandaid, what are we going to do next" and on and on and on. I mediate for a dozen or more arguments a day. I feed my kids three meals and three snacks a day and then clean up all the mess, I am trying to hav some fun with the kids this summer, and I am trying hard not to be so ornery. I am not doing so well with the ornery thing.

No wonder I am tired. How did our mothers survive all this?!

Lucky

When Luke was born one of the nurses at the hospital told us that there was something very special about our little boy. She told us that she sat and held him the second night for two hours and she couldn't believe how calm and peaceful he was. Granted, the only other baby in the hospital at the time screamed a lot, but Luke was especially mellow. The nurse probably tells a lot of parents that there is something special about their little one, because isn't there always something special about every little spirit that enters this world? We of course think that Luke is something special because he is ours. And while each of our boys has wonderful qualities, the past couple months we have been especially blessed by the newest little one in our home.

I am really enjoying being a mom to a newborn this time around. After three kids I feel a confidence, in taking care of a baby, that I have never felt before. Ben and Jack were both very mellow babies, who never cried much, but the shock of being a first time mom was more than difficult and then having Jack and adjusting to two kids was very hard too. Not that having a third hasn't been crazy, it's just that taking care of a new one is way easier that taking care of his wild and crazy brothers. Obviously my perspective has changed a lot. I now understand why people said that babies wear you down physically, but the older kids get the more they wear you down mentally. It's exhausting.

Ben absolutely adores Luke and Jack cannot stop kissing him. About a month ago Luke started smiling at us and Ben and Jack can't get enough of his cute little smiles. And of course Chad and I love those smiles too. And the cooing he has started doing the in the past couple of weeks? So cute!

And one of the best things about Luke is that he is an amazing sleeper!! The first night we had Luke in our home Ben slept through the night (I wrote a blog about this.) I call him my sweet little angel baby because I never thought Ben was going to sleep through the night and having Luke made it happen. I'm not sure why, but I am not going to question it. And while Ben doesn't sleep through the night every night, he is doing it a whole lot more often than in the past six years.

About a week and a half ago, Luke has started sleeping most nights between seven and eight hours. When he was first born it was about four hours, then evolved to six hours. With Ben sleeping through the night and Luke sleeping about six hours I have been getting more consistent sleep that I have gotten since I was pregnant with Ben. Who would have thought that with a newborn in the house I would be getting better sleep?

Mother's Day 2011

This year for Mother's Day my sister, Jennifer, and I arranged a Mother's Day brunch on Saturday with the women in my extended family.

We ate outside in the beautiful spring weather at a fun little restaurant. The restaurant is about a mile and a half away from my house. Chad had both the older boys with him doing soccer practice and cleaning the church, so I decided to walk to the restaurant.

I love my boys, but Ben and Jack can be very intense at times. Although I need a break from them sometimes, I often feel guilty when I am away from them. I miss them. On my walk to the restaurant I was able to convince myself not to feel guilty and just enjoy the break to recharge my batteries. On the way to the restaurant I had an amazing peaceful feeling that I haven't had for a long time. It probably help a lot that I was staring at this cute little guy.

For Mother's Day I made my favorite dinner, Lasagna, and invited my mom, dad, brother, sister, and her family. Ben and Jack gave me flowers and candy. And Chad was more than sweet to me and spoiled me more than he should.

And now my thoughts this Mother's Day on being a mother-

I wish Mother's Day meant that my kids didn't fight all day long, they were perfectly obedient, the house cleaned itself, breakfast, lunch, and dinner magically appeared, and I could do whatever I wanted all day long. In the past I dreamed that's the way it should be and I would be bitter that it wasn't that way.

I know there are many women who wish they were mothers and they aren't. I fiercely love my children and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but sometimes being a mom simply sucks. Wait, not sometimes, a lot of the time. It's not that there is something else I would really rather be doing (well anything that's practical), it's just I wish that being a mom wasn't so intensely difficult most of the time. Yep, I am dreaming again.

There is never a day goes by that I don' think to myself, "oh my goodness, this is why my mom was the way she was." The longer I am a mother the more I realize that my mom did the best she could. She was ornery and she was mean sometimes, but she didn't want to be that way. I am ornery and I am mean some point every single day. Even if I am not trying to be mean my kids think I am because I won't let them eat candy for breakfast, watch television all day long, play in the street, beat each other up, stay up as late as they want, draw on the walls, buy them whatever they wanted, etc... You get the point.

The other day Ben told me I was a mean mom. Both the boys tell me that often. I know kids just do that, but it always stings a little. I ended up saying to Ben, "You know what Ben? I am a nice person. People like me."

One time at a family party I was reprimanding Ben for something and my aunt Teresa came up to me and said, "I know it's hard, but thank you for discipling your children." She works at an elementary school and explained to me that she sees a lot of children who have parents who don't discipline.

I don't like coming across as a mean person, I hate repeating myself over and over and over again to my children, but I love my children and because I love them I expect a lot out of them and I discipline them. And it's amazing to me how forgiving they are. Like they know I love them because I have expectations of them. Almost every day my children tell me they love me, unsolicited. And everyday I am more and more grateful for all the women I know who are mothers, especially my own mother.

Oh the drama

With Ben in Kindergarten I have been afforded the luxury of going shopping with just one child. Ben was becoming very difficult to take shopping because he wants everything and we were having a lot of meltdowns in the store. I avoid at almost all costs to not take Ben to the store. It's just better for my sanity.

Today though I made a mistake of taking him to the store. Ben needs some snow pants. I bought him some two weeks ago, but he didn't like them, because they were just pants. Not snow pants with the bib. As an adult I just want snow pants, but I understand why he wants the bib. Also, the pants are way to big around his waist and there isn't a way to tighten them. So last Friday I picked up some snow pants for him that have the bib. I brought them home and he hates them. I understand why though. The pants are pretty much one size fits all when it comes to width so they would fit the largest six year old there is. Okay maybe than the biggest, but honestly the pants are almost big enough for two six year olds. They are baggy and awkward.

Ben also hated both of the pants I bought him because they were too long. I am not going to give into that complaint. I am not buying a pair of snow pants that will only fit him for one year.

So, today I decided to take Ben to another store to try on some snow pants. The whole way there I explained to him why we would be buying pants that are a little long and need to be rolled up. I explained this over and over again.

So we get inside and he tries on the snow pants. I carefully adjust them so they fit the way they are suppose to. He hates them because they are too long and when I remind him what I said about them needing to last longer than this year he starts crying. I put on his boots, roll up the snow pants and show him how the length isn't really a problem. He somewhat understands but is still crying.

I am already frustrated, but I try to be patient, so I asked him what else was wrong. The pants are way to baggy around his waist area. The pants have some straps that can adjust the tightness but they don't get tight enough. Easy enough fix, I can just sew on some more velcro. I show Ben how they will feel if I do that.

But it still doesn't help. He doesn't like the pocket on the leg. (He has issues with any pants that have pockets on the legs.) And he is upset that the other pockets have zippers on them.

I think he is just upset that they don't feel just right. And I am frustrated because I just don't want to give into silly little things. I want to be sensitive to his needs but I don't want to create a snotty little brat.

We don't buy the snow pants. Ben decides to walk around the clothing area for a while and look at clothes. Immediately he sees some pajamas with Mario on them and he wants them. I explain that he has some pajamas kind of like that and he won't wear them. He says to me, "maybe if they had superheros on them I would wear them." I tell him no about the pajamas and remind him he already has some clothes that have super heros on them. He of course tells me he only has two shirts. Two shirts is better than none. (In my mind I am thinking, I want to throw those two shirts away and the other two dozen t-shirts he owns and then make Ben wear polo shirts all the time. If I had my way, that's the way it would be.)

Ben has a meltdown and throws a tantrum in the store about the pajamas. I remember I need to buy some rubber bands so I head over to that isle. I decide to buy a ball of rubber bands. Ben had a friend who had one of those, so of course Ben wants one. So that means I would need to buy a ball of rubber bands for me, for Ben, and Jack. I am not going to do that. Ben once again has a meltdown and tells me how mean I am. (And in my mind I am thinking, yes your friend has a ball of rubber bands but I know that his family doesn't do much traveling or family vacations. They do not do camping. And the dad has told the kids he will never, ever take him to Disneyland. Hmm Ben, do you want a rubber band ball, or do you want to do fun things as a family? I of course mention this to him later.)

On the way home we have a discussion about needs vs wants. I remember being a kid and asking my parents to buy me stuff all the time and I thought they were the meanest people in the world because they wouldn't. I wish I could make Ben understand the difference between a need and a want and why we have to keep our wants in check so that we have enough money for our needs. I wish it was a quick lesson to learn. Ha! Ha! Ha! That lesson takes a lifetime.

Jack-Jack

We love this little guy! Okay, he isn't so little anymore, but he is our baby. At least for four more months. He is a sweetheart. He is constantly giving us unsolicited hugs and kisses. The other day he climbed up on Chad's lap and said completely out of the blue, "Daddy, I like you!" We know our kids love us, but to have them "like" us. That's big.

He make us laugh a lot. Sometimes he asks me to open my mouth so he can look inside. He thinks that he can see the baby by looking down my throat. He often softly rubs my belly and says that he is petting the baby.

We love the way he says some things like, "whubbabout" (what about), "Jemmifer (Jennifer), blother (brother), and kittles (skittles).

When Ben was the age Jack is now, he was kind of a crazy defiant toddler and I was adjusting to being a full time stay at home mom. I loved Ben, but I didn't particularly enjoy that phase. It was just hard. It was the first time I was experiencing what it was like to have a child who had reached the age that they very much had their own agenda and opinions. It was a whole new shocking stage of parenting. It's nice with Jack, to be going through things the second time around and to know that difficult phases are just that, a phase. He is not a perfect angel, but he's fun, and we love him!

Consumed

*Warning-This is a post about potty training. Read on-if you wish. But don't say I didn't warn ya!

The past ten days I have been locked in the epic battle of diapers vs. big boy pants. POTTY TRAINING!

I feel like it has consumed me the past week and a half.

Potty training is one of those things you just don't want to hear about. Either you don't have kids and don't get what the big deal is. Or, you have kids and you are afraid of what is to come or you've been through it before and you'd rather not go through it again.

Potty training my first born was relatively easy. I remember there being some tears and frustration. I was afraid of causing Ben psychological harm and I didn't want to force him. I wanted to inspire him.

One technique I used was he got a treat if he went potty and I got a treat if I had to change his bum, and he had to watch me eat the treat. I never really pushed too hard and I gave up a little despite the fact that I was worried if I wasn't consistent it would cause a lot of problems. I still tried to inspire hi and three days after he turned three he decided to go potty in the big toilet and he never looked back. He didn't even have accidents. I think a couple of months after he peed his pants once or twice. And that was it, seriously!

Fast forward two and a half years and it's time to potty train my second born. I wanted to wait until he was ready, but his personality is such that he might not get there for a long time. I was going to start a couple of moths ago, but I just didn't feel good. There was plenty of excuses not to start. Jack's sick, I'm sick, we have way too much going on right now.

Two weeks ago I decided that I was going to start the following week on Tuesday. The weather was suppose to be snowy and cold so it would be good to stay home. I informed Jack of my plans. And I figured now was as good a time as any. I am pregnant, I need to pee a lot. No need to set a timer, just make him go when I need to go.

So the plan was to make him try peeing every fifteen minutes and then extend the interval throughout the day with a reward of a small gum ball for #1 and a big gum ball for #2. Tuesday did not go well.

So Tuesday night I ran to the library and picked up a book. Toilet Train in Less Than a Day. Thanks Brooke!!! I'd heard of it before and thought it sound cRaZy. But desperate times call for desperate measures. I went and bought a peeing doll, which didn't work so well, so I ran to the DI and found a better one. Tuesday night I read the book. Wednesday morning the battle began.

Do I recommend the book? YES! Does it make potty training easy? NO, POTTY TRAINING SUCKS!!!! And as for the claim, "toilet train in less than a day?" Crazy! But it was more like "get the concept in a day and then learn from the accidents. But now that I look back on last week. Jack hasn't had a pee accident since that day and he hasn't even peed at night. So, I guess it worked.

Wednesday morning it took 32 ounces of liquid before Jack peed. That kid truly does have a bladder of steel. I was worried he was going to explode before he peed. Wednesday was a long day. That night we were eating dinner and I just started crying because the day had been sooooo overwhelming. I went in my room and cried for 15 minutes.

So since last week we have been waiting for Jack to take care of his "serious business" in the toilet. Three accidents and very vigilantly watching him, by Sunday night we were able to have a potty party complete with lemonade and brownies shaped like logs. (Kidding on the treats, we had cupcakes and ice cream and we celebrated with my sisters family. They kindly decorated for the party for us with balloons and yellow and brown streamers.) Tonight was the first night he took care of his "serious business" on his own. Meaning he went when he needed to go. Twice. Wahoo!

I guess if anything potty training is a reminder that although parenting is mind numbingly, knock your socks off difficult - It could always be worse.

Crazy day

Some days I love being a mom. I can honestly say that I enjoy it more than I did a year ago. Most days don't seem as frustratingly long as they use to. I have a lot more moments of, "wow, life is good and the boys are wonderful." I laugh more.

Maybe I am just getting in the groove. Maybe I am ever so slowly getting use to the intensity of being a parent. (Although you can never get completely use to it, because the reasons why it is intense is always changing.)

Fun for me is now most often defined by what is fun for me kids. My sister said this is called accommodating fun. And that is pretty much life for a mom. It was hard for me to get use to all the time I have to spend just sitting and watching the kids. And although it still drives me crazy to sit around and watch them I'm more use to it now than before.

So, some days I love being a mom. Today was not of those days. The kids were driving me crazy!!! I think I said, "are you kidding me!?!" at least ten times. (It's my catch phrase when I am frustrated with what the kids are doing or asking to do. I remember when we did something to make my mom mad her phrase was, "I think I am gonna spit.")

Kids and food? Driving me crazy. They always want to eat when it's not time to eat, and it's like pulling teeth to get them to eat when it's meal time. Even if it's stuff they like. It makes me so mad when I spend a half an hour getting Jack to eat and then ten minutes after the meal he tells me he is hungry. Over and over again.

The boys love to play with water in our yard and in our house. This is constantly a battle between me and Chad and them. They turn on the water without asking me and I don't want our house to flood. This morning Ben got his hands dirty and he asked me if he could turn on the water and wash off his hands. I told him it was fine as long as he turned off the water as soon as his hands were clean. Did he listen to me? Of course not! I yelled at him a few minutes later to shut the water off. Did he listen? Of course not! And I had to make sure my neighbor who had come over to visit and is prone to falling made it safely across the street. And then she talked to me a lot. When I returned back to the boys the water was still on and they had turned my strawberry patch into a mud pit. Are you kidding me!?!

I washed them off and made them come inside. My boys are afraid of our basement, especially Ben. It's not really scary, but they don't really like being downstairs without me. But yesterday right after the strawberry patch incident the boys went downstairs and started playing with the water in the downstairs bathroom while I was making them lunch. We are remodeling the downstairs bathroom and they filled the sink with water and threw some tools, toilet paper, and electrical supplies in the water. Fortunately they turned off the water before the flooded the floor tooo much. Are you kidding me!?!

We had planned to go the Gateway yesterday to play in the water. I was tempted to not go because the boys were having a hard time listening to me yesterday, but I decided to take them so they could play in the water. And what happened when we got there? It was hot and they played for a couple of minutes but then I had to tell them over and over again to go play in the water. Apparently if I am okay with it, they don't want to. After spending two hours of telling them to play in the water and them complaining I asked if they wanted to leave. And Ben response was, "can we go to a park now?" Are you kidding me!?!

Yes I am ornery, but doesn't it drive you crazy when you do something specifically for your kids and they just ask for more and more? Frustrating. Sometimes we spend hours at the park and then we leave when I just can't take it anymore and they almost always ask, "can we go to another park?"

One day Ben said to me something like, "why can't we do more fun things?" I think I do a lot of fun things for my kids. We talked about this for a while and I explained most of what I do everyday is for them in one way or another. He basically said to me that I do a lot of things for myself for fun too. When I asked him what those things are, he said, "grocery shopping and errands." Silly kid.

Some days I realize that my ultimate goal in being a parent is to raise my children into responsible adults. I don't know why it's so strange to think that, I think it just seems sooooo daunting. It's best just to take it a day at a time. It's going to be quite the adventure getting to that point. Today I talked with my aunt who has a recently graduated teenage son, and I realized there will be days when I will wish that the worst thing my kids were doing was turning my strawberry patch into a mud pit.

Life is good, it's just crazy sometimes. Okay, a lot!

I didn't write my last post to solicit compliments, but thank you for them. Like Janene commented it's difficult to choose how to spend the time we are given. Time is precious and most of my time is spent with my precious little ones. That's the way I want it to be, it's just overwhelming sometimes that they are almost all I have time for. Any activity I do I have to assess how it effects my family and if it's worth my time.

Some people do and make amazing things that I would like to do too. For Easter I made Easter baskets for the boys. They were cute, but to make them the boys had to watch a lot of television. Probably not worth my time, lesson learned. It doesn't mean that I can never do stuff like that. It just means it's not the right "season." I remind myself of that a lot. However intense any "season" of life is, it will be sad when it passes. Enjoy it, be content.

Today I was content when the boys spent a half an hour putting stuff in my little kitchen aid chopper and chopping it up. I told them no toys. (A while ago my boys saw some Will it Blend videos. Have you seen them?) I gave them old food out of the fridge and the cupboard and they laughed and laughed and laughed while they chopped it up.

Ben has recently taken to climbing trees. Specifically the pine tree in our back yard that is at least 50 feet tall. He climbs almost to the top. Makes me nervous! Today Jack came in and said, "Mommy, Benjamin is in the tree, like Kookaburra sits in the tree." Know the song? Me and Jack sang it and then made up a version about Ben in the pine tree. Sooo cute! Made me happy.

Instead of just a mom

It's 12:30am and both the boys are having a very restless night. I have already been in their room a half a dozen times. I was just down in the laundry room having a late night rendevous with the laundry when I heard the pitter patter of little feet. I came upstairs to find not just one but both boys sitting on the couch in the living room in the dark. I am determined to keep them out of my bed tonight, but I think it is a lost cause. I am just too tired.

Now that I am done complaining I have two stories about how awesome my boys are. The other day we were getting ready to leave the house and I told Ben to grab a jacket. And then said mostly to myself, "I need to go to the bathroom and then grab a jacket too.". A minute later while I was in the bathroom Ben came walking in with a jacket for me. So thoughtful. Not so much the walking in on me while I was in the bathroom but the jacket thing. You take what you can get. Also I don't lock the bathroom door because if I do I often have Jack crying on the other side. Sometimes he just can't take being away from me for even a minute. And you know what? I am cherishing that because it won't be long before it is no longer the case.

And the other cool story- Monday I got the opportunity to go skiing with my relatives from Texas. My sister kindly watched the boys. Often Jack is pretty upset when I leave him with anybody. Sometimes when I pull up to my sisters house I have to fight to get him out of the car. He wraps his arms around the straps on the carseat so it's difficult to remove him. On Monday he went happily to my sisters and then later that night when we got home Jack asked me, "mommy, how was your skiing?" So thoughtful.

Don't you love it when your children treat you like a person instead of just a mom?

Mars needs Moms!

I love this book-

Love it, love it, love it! I just stumbled upon it one day while picking out books for the boys at the library, so of course the pictures hooked me in. It doesn't just have great pictures though, you have got to read it and tell me what you think.

Recently the amount of time I spend reading books to the boys, mostly Ben, has increased significantly. We aren't reading more book, infact we are reading less. Ben loves to discuss the books and ask me questions about every page. Sometimes his incessant questions drive me a little crazy because I just want to be done, so he will go to sleep, but I think I do a pretty good job of being patient and answering his questions.

Tonight we got on the discussion of why Mars needs Moms. We've read this book many, many times, but I don't think Ben was capable of comprehending the whole story. Tonight he did. He asked me why the martians so badly wanted a mother. When I listed off the things that the story lists off what moms do (which is actually a condensed list of all the things moms actually do), Ben said,

"Wow, that is a lot for one person to do."

It is. At four years old thank you for noticing that it is a lot and thank you for telling me you will help me.

P.S. While I was googling this book to find a picture of it I found out that this book is being made into a movie. I'll definately go see it.

P.P.S The other books I've read by this artist/author are kind of strange.

Friday-Not my favorite day this week

Today was a long day. Last night Jack started running a fever and around 1:30am he woke up having a febrile seizure. Last time, and the first time, he had one I read that once they've had one it's likely to happen again. Now it's probably likely to happen everytime he has a fever. Bummer! Although we were told they are harmless, it doesn't make it any less scary to watch.
So, because Jack wasn't feeling well we spent most of the day at home. We would have spent all the day at home, but because the weather was so nice and Ben was driving me crazy we went over to my mom's to jump on the tramp.
Ben has developed quite the temper lately. It's shocking. He gets mad soooo quick. He really does not handle things well when I have to say no to him.
Last week when he was mad he knocked over a side table. Last night he threw a wooden hammer at me. Today, he ripped up his cute little bedtime routine list I made for him. This morning he slapped me across the face. (That mad me soooo mad, and it stung.)
Needless to say it was a long day. When Chad got home from work we ate dinner, then I laid down on the couch. Within minutes I was asleep and Chad kindly took the boys down to the pee house to try and do some work.
I can't help but question what I am doing so wrong that Ben has become extra intense lately. And I'm really hoping it's just a phase that will pass quickly. Wish me luck!

Hallelujah!

It's 2:30 on a Thursday and what's going on at my house? Ben and Jack are asleep! It is a very, very rare occurance. Jack's asleep in my room. Ben's asleep on the couch in the living room. I've been tip toeing around the house trying to do some cleaning without waking up the cute little monsters.

I don't usually like for Ben to take a nap for when he does he ends up staying up until midnight. But lately he's been uber-ornery and is his having meltdown after meltdown. (Is it just me or do you like the word meltdown better than tantrum?) This morning's meltdown was because the shirt he wanted to wear was one of his two shirts that was dirty (it has stains all over it.) I very carefully told Ben this morning that he couldn't wear the same clothes he has been wearing for two days, it's against my 'you can wear it for two days' policy. (A policy I only allowed in order to maintain my sanity.) I was pleased when a crisis was averted, but moment's later when the shirt he wanted to wear was dirty he screamed for twenty minutes. He even screamed while I video taped him.

After another meltdown right before lunch, I suggested to Ben that he take a nap after we ate. He didn't disagree and and fell asleep quite easy.

Jack has meltdowns too, but he is more easily distracted. For a long time Jack has done a little dance we call 'happy feet.' This week he started doing the dance when he is upset. It's cute and I can't help but smile when he's doing it. It won't be cute for long, so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Jack still sleeps in our room because Ben still does a lot of screaming in the night. Up until a couple of weeks ago Jack was in a Pack and Play in the corner of our room. When he got sick a couple of weeks ago he threw up in it. It was bedtime, so I just took the mattress out of his crib and put in on the floor in our room. He has been sleeping so much better, I guess because the mattress is softer. He doesn't sleep through the night, but he only wakes up once or twice. It's nice!

Well, I'm going to try and do some more quiet cleaning. I'd start reading a book, but I don't think it will be long before the boys wake up.

I smell like vomit

Forty five minutes ago I sat down at the computer to respond to an e-mail from a cabinet guy. Jack was falling asleep in my lap. (He took a late nap and was up way too late.) Anyway, he was falling asleep and all of the sudden he threw up in my lap. It's the second time this week Jack threw up in my lap when I was sitting at the computer responding to an e-mail from the same cabinet guy. Jack has been sick this week, but I thought the throwing up thing was over. Apparently not.
Twenty minutes ago I sat down to type a blog entry about

how Jack has been sick,
how I've done six or so extra batches of laundry this week,
how I've been washing my hands constantly and they are on the verge of cracking and bleeding, and
how I've gone through more Clorox wipes in the past couple of days than I go through in a couple of months

when I heard Ben make a strange noise followed by the sound of throwing up.
He'd been complaining earlier that his stomach hurt and told me he was going to throw up, but then told me he was just kidding. I had a bucket near him, but since the throwing up woke him up out of his sleep he just got mad at me for putting the bucket near his face.

Last month I purchased a carpet cleaner off the KSL classifieds. Chad wondered a little why I needed it when my mom and sister have one I can borrow. I am soooooooooo glad I have my own and Chad is too. My couch is grateful too.

I generally try not to give advice to people who are about to be first time moms, but I'm thinking I might say, "put a carpet cleaner on your baby registry." Maybe not, it seems too negative.

Blah

I just feel blah lately. Winter blues, I guess. I need a serious attitude adjustment.

I want to get out and do stuff-staying home is just easier. But when I stay home I start feeling pretty lonely and Ben starts driving me a little crazy. Staying home most the time isn't easy, it's just easier. In my little world I find things to keep myself busy. It's such a fine line though, if I plan too much I feel bad that I'm making life too busy for my kids.

Almost every morning I wake up I feel overwhelmed by the day, mostly because it's just a big empty slate. (Days when I have a lot planned I feel overwhelmed too though.) How am I going to keep Ben busy that doesn't involve watching television or playing computer games? Today we ventured out for a dentist appointment for Ben. That was not fun at all. I couldn't sleep very well last night because I was worried about Ben's dentist appointment. I was very careful not to say anything to scare Ben about the dentist, but it didn't take him long to figure out that going to the dentist is not fun. He cried and I cried. Poor little guy has more than enough cavities and of course I feel like it's our fault. We brush and floss his teeth but apparently not good enough. Five cavities filled, sealants, and a big chunk of change later, hopefully we won't be having any more problems with his baby teeth.

Poor little Jack started the day by throwing up all over me. I couldn't cancel Ben's dentist appointment without having to pay a $25 fee. I know my sister would have watched him for me, but her kids were out of school and I felt bad having her watch Jack especially because he was sick. Chad's job allows him to work from home sometimes, so Chad came home and worked. While I was gone Jack slept then woke up and threw up four times. Since he didn't really have anything in his stomach he started throwing up bile. (Thank goodness for the internet so we could find out what the bright yellow stuff was and know that we didn't need to take him to the hospital.)

I would rather have a child throw up on me than lie to me. Being a parent has really changed my perspective on life. I never had any idea how hard life could be with kids. I fiercely love my kids, but sometimes I'm just a big baby when it comes to being a parent because I just want to curl up in a ball, cry, and take a nap.

I'm rambling like I often do, just venting my frustrations. Hopefully somebody will read this and think that they are glad that I feel the way I do. Not because somebody is just plain mean, but because they are glad I feel the way they do.