On with the show

The other day I was at my doctors office for a follow-up visit. While waiting for the doctor I could hear the sound of a baby' s heartbeat in utero coming from another room and I had the thought, "wow, I am sad I am not pregnant anymore." What?!!! For me, being pregnant was not fun, it hurt a lot this time around and I couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore. I was so lucky to have a healthy baby three weeks early and not have to go through the last few weeks of pregnancy. I love the feeling of physical relief right after having a baby. I love the first couple of weeks of not being pregnant anymore when I can sleep on my back again. I love not having to get up five and six times a night to use the bathroom. And although I am be woken up multiple times a night to feed a baby, in between those feedings I sleep. Really good.

After having Ben I was in a lot of pain for months. After having Jack I felt good for a few hours and then I was hit with a spinal headache. I couldn't sit up for ten days. When Chad went back to work I had to crawl around on the floor to take care of Ben and Jack. I couldn't stand up or the pain in my head and neck would intensify. It was an awful experience.

Luke's delivery was awesome! I got an epidural and I only had to push four times. Physically I have felt amazing the past six weeks. Emotionally, it's another story. I suffer from post partum depression. Although it's not a secret and this time around I've talked with people a lot more about it, it's embarrassing to me. And it's debilitating. I took preemptive measures this time to lessen the severity, but it didn't work like I hoped. After a few weeks a change of medicine has made a difference and things are looking up.

The decision to have a third child was difficult because of my struggles with post partum depression. I tempted fate once again, so our third child will likely be our last. I think that is the reason why I felt a little sad at the doctor's office that I wasn't pregnant anymore. Growing babies is an amazing experience. And although it wasn't exactly fun and it hurt, it's not really all the bad compared to the responsibility of raising children. That's the hard part.